4 Suicide-Attempt Survivors Tell Their Stories

Keris Myrick

Keris Myrick who lives with schizoaffective and obsessive-compulsive disorders, is the  president of the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) National Board of Directors.

Suicide 5

My first therapist would tell me—which was very helpful, I don’t understand why—he would say, “I’ll hold the hope for you.”

I was like, “Okay, that’s nice. You do that. I don’t know what the hell that means. You just hold that hope for me. I’ll be over here killing myself. Have a good time with that hope. You’ll be holding it, I’ll be dead. It’s all good, it’s all good.”

Then I’d be in the act of, and I would hear his voice saying, “I’m holding the hope, I’m holding the hope.”

Then I’d think, ‘I don’t know what that means, but it must mean something important for me to try to see if I can put this off for another hour, another two hours, another day, another whatever.’ It was something that resonated, I don’t know why.

And my mother told me—eventually, when I told her what was going on—she told me about the day I was born, how much she wanted a daughter and how, when I came out, it was a little girl.

She just broke into tears, and she said, “That’s what it’s all about. You’re supposed to be here. You’re my little girl, and I wished you into this world.” So she could be the only person who could wish me out. So whenever I [start feeling that way], I try to think of my mom telling me the story of the day that I was born.

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